I am so confused. After 16 years of what I thought was a very happy marriage to my husband, my world is falling apart and I’m not sure which way to turn.
He was in the U.S. Navy when I met him overseas (in the U.K.) but we fell in love and I gave up my life to join him in the States and helped raise his sons to adulthood, who were then 12 and 10 years old. We also had a beautiful daughter together and our family life was very happy after the initial bumps.
We’ve traveled all over the world together because of his career. His last duty station was Hawaii, and with just a few months to go until his retirement we decided together that it would be a good idea if I returned to Texas with our daughter (now 13) where we have an old house. The idea was that she and I would get settled ahead of him coming to join us, and our daughter would finally get to be in a school where she wouldn’t be forced to leave her friends after a couple of years. I would start work – and start work on the house – and put the house on the market so that we could eventually buy a little piece of land and a home where we would spend the rest of our lives together. That way he wouldn’t have to do much when he arrived here.
Now all of our plans are in ruins because my husband decided to reconnect with an old girlfriend from high school on the internet. He’d actually been in contact with her two months before we left Hawaii, although I didn’t know it at the time.
Two months ago he started to act strangely. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for days and then I realized he was switching his cellphone off so he could avoid our calls. He also took a chunk out of our savings account without any explanation, and when I emailed him to ask why, he said he needed some time to think and was looking at jobs throughout the U.S. because “didn’t know where his life was heading right now.” I was in complete shock. This was coming from a man who had told me he loved me every single day and had sworn undying love and loyalty to me.
Of course I realized there was something badly wrong, so I did some research. I found him on one of those high school sites. His old girlfriend was listed there as his only friend and there were a few flirtatious notes on his page from her. They were exchanging pictures etc.
Long story short: I was heartbroken and still am. He left Hawaii 3 weeks ago and went to another state to be close to her. He had asked me for a divorce by then, so I figured I had better take action to protect myself and my daughter and so I filed for divorce in November.
He received the initial petition but refused to sign the paperwork. He now has his own apartment (the rent costs more than our mortgage) and sees the old girlfriend on a very regular basis. He’s also running up a large credit card bill. I emailed this woman a few times to find out what was going on and she insisted they were just friends for now but maybe they would have a happy future after he and I were divorced. I told her I still loved him just as much as ever but she said he had told her he’d been very unhappy in his marriage to me for the past few years, which was news to me! She also let me know that he was relating ancient old arguments he and I had had in the past, and was blaming me for making him stay in the Navy for all these years, which is completely untrue.
Our daughter has taken this very badly and is very angry and confused. I have had to take her to counseling to help her cope. She has gone from being a happy and secure girl to a very angry and sad teenager.
Now I’m more confused than ever because I spoke to my husband yesterday on the phone for the first time in two months. He said he was trying to figure everything out and wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but said I’d be the first to know when he had made a decision. He still wants the divorce to go through he says, but asked me if it would be OK if he came to visit after the New Year! He also admitted he still loved me but wasn’t IN LOVE with me. I am so confused. Should I give him the time he says he needs to get his head straightened out, or should I cut all ties?
In spite of everything I still do love him very much and would still be willing to work on our marriage even though he has hurt me more than he will ever know.
Thank you so much for all your great answers so far. You have given me much to think about.
For some reason my question posted twice. The other answers are here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlxPWRPwUa4vJyuNHlb2MXPB7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20081221060153AA1qcRu
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